


What's Best Left Unsaid

by Mafalda_Fan_183



Series: Steve X Eli [1]
Category: Tales of Arcadia (Cartoons), Trollhunters - Daniel Kraus & Guillermo del Toro
Genre: ? - Freeform, Amnesia, Can you guess who it is?, M/M, Slow Burn, The nest tag is kinda a spoiler, Trans Male Character, Transgender, Transphobia
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-20
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:13:43
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 11,728
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22313065
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mafalda_Fan_183/pseuds/Mafalda_Fan_183
Summary: When Steve forgets the last two years of his life, it's up to Eli to fill in the gaps. Or not.
Relationships: Steve Palchuk/Eli Pepperjack
Series: Steve X Eli [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1616098
Comments: 28
Kudos: 57





	1. What is Not Forgotten

**Author's Note:**

> THE FOLLOWING TW IS A SPOILER ..........For this fic......... Last chance.......... Transphobia

“You’re the one that knows him best.” Toby argued.

“But what if he doesn't remember that we’re friends now?”

“Then we’ll come in and protect you.” Jim smiled, laying a hand on Eli’s shoulder.

Eli took a deep breath. He could do this. “Okay.” He walked through the door.

Steve was sitting upon the hospital bed. “Oh, hello.”

“Hi..”

“Who are you?” Eli must have looked upset to Steve because he immediately followed up with. “I’m really sorry, Uh, Doctor Lake says I have amnesia. I don’t remember you..”

Well, him forgetting me entirely is better than only remembering bullying me… “Oh, that’s okay. I’m Eli.”

“Good to meet you, Eli. And what are you? To me, I mean.”

“A, uh, a friend.” He smiled.

“Oh okay! And how did-”

Suddenly, Ms. Palchuck bursts into the room. “Steve? Is everything okay?”

A look of horror crosses his face.

Eli, shocked at this reaction, turned between Steve and his mother repeatedly. 

Steve’s voice was so quiet, Eli barely heard it “Who told you?”

“Oh, honey.” Her eyes teared up. “You did..” She turned to Eli. “Could you give us a minute?”

Eli nodded silently and quickly walked out of the room.

“So?” Claire prompted. 

“He didn’t remember me.”

“Wait, at all?” Toby questoned.

“At all. Something’s weird though.”

“What do you mean?” Jim asked.

“I don’t know, he seemed really stressed that his mom was here.”

“Stressed how?” Claire responded.

“I don’t know, like he was afraid.”

“Think she’d be mad about him getting hurt?” Toby offered.

“I don’t know, maybe?”

Ms. Palchuck popped her head out of the room. “Can one of you get Doctor Lake, please?”

…

Doctor Lake was droning on to Steve about the different medicines and which to take for pain, nausea, inflammation, and what to do if -

“Could you stay with him?” Ms. Palchuck’s voice interrupted Eli’s thoughts.

“What?”

“For a few days, do you think you could stay?”

“I thought he was being discharged.”

“He is, but I mean like a sleep over. He doesn't remember the past two years -”

“Two?” Eli repeated, shocked.

Ms. Palchuck nodded. “And he’s going to need someone to fill him in on his life. The parts that I don’t know.”

Eli looked towards the ground.

Ms. Palchuck sighed. “You don’t have to, but I think you’re his only friend right now. I haven’t seen Seamus, and haven’t so much as heard about Logan for months.”

“Okay.” 

…

“Are these new?” Steve asked, walking over to the blue sheets on his bed.

“Uh, no?” Eli replied.

“Oh are these mine?” Steve beamed, rushing over to his trophy shelf and grabbing one. “I play football?”

“Yeah.” Eli confirmed awkwardly. He had seen glimpses of this Steve before, the kind hearted goofball, but never without the thick layer of defence like this. 

“That’s awesome!” He sat down on his bed. “So mom says I’ve forgotten, like, two years. So, how did we meet?”

As much as Eli was unsure of, he was positive that he wasn’t going to tell Steve about the bullying. Steve really didn’t open up about much, but Eli spent enough time with him that he knew how terrible Steve felt about his past. He’d even tear up on occasion when it was brought up, but refused to acknowledge it. 

“Well, you found this.. Uh, thing in your garage…”

…

“And now we fight creeps together.”

“That is so cool!”

“You think so?” 

“Uh, yeah! Is that how I got hurt?”

Eli nodded.

“And you already figured out this stuff? Like the creeps?” Steve said, looking impressed.

“Well, mostly. But I was wrong about a lot of it…”

“That’s amazing!”

“Oh, uh, thank you.”

“So what about my other friends?”

“Other friends?”

“Well, yeah, what other friends do we have?”

Well, ‘we’ have none. Steve used to have friends but ever since… Well, they wanted to be bullies and Steve refused. As for Eli’s friends, he had Jim, Claire, and Toby. He even had several online. None of which were all too fond of Steve. 

“Eh, I guess I’ll meet them later.”

Eli hid his relief. “Yeah.”

“So, tell me about you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah! I mean, mom said you’re my best friend. So, what are you like?”

“Best friend?” Eli repeated.

“Yeah. Was she wrong?”

“I guess not.” Eli smiled. 

“So? What are you like?”

“Oh, I’m not that interesting.”

“Well then, bore me.”

Eli smiled slightly.

…

“So, we’re friends?” Steve asked once Eli was done. 

What? Eli’s face fell. Is he that annoying? Of course this new Steve would think that he was a giant loser. It must be so unbelievable to think that he would be friends with a nerd like Eli. Man, he really did not want to go back to being shoved into lockers. Especially now. It was hard for him to admit, even to himself, but he definitely had a thing for Steve. 

This would go nowhere, of course, but it was still there. Steve had changed a lot since they had become friends. Or maybe he hadn’t. Maybe Eli just got to see the part of him that wasn’t angry. The part that wasn’t mean. Maybe deep down he had always had this kind hearted side that he had never shown. He still didn’t freely show it. Especially in public. But it was there, and besides, Steve was pretty hot. Sports did him well.

If there was no chance before there certainly wasn’t now. Now that he had forgotten the bond they had. He’d probably go back to his old ways. Eli couldn’t handle that again, not now that he knows what it’s like to be treated with kindness. He wasn’t used to it anymore. He couldn’t survive -

“Sorry that sounded weird, it’s just that, well,” Steve interrupted his thoughts. “You know what, never mind I’m being stupid. Though, I’m sure you’re used to that by now.” He joked.

“Oh, uh,” Eli tried to hide his emotions. “You’re not stupid, Steve.”

Steve smiled. “I may not remember much but I’m sure I didn’t grow a brain in the past two years.”

“Well, you’ve gotten mostly B’s since I’ve been helping you study.”

“Really?” Steve lit up.

“Yeah, you’re really not that stupid. You just need to work a little harder than most.”

“That’s awesome! Do you think you can help me catch up? I really would rather not have a tutor.”

“Of course!” Eli replied, his worries of Steve becoming a bully again dissipating. Steve’s thought process was hard to follow on a good day, so who knows what he meant by that.

“Thank you.” Steve smiled before yawing.

Eli glanced at the clock. “Oh I guess we lost track of time.”

“Does that happen a lot?”

“Well, I usually don’t talk so much.”

“Why not?”

What? Why not? Why would he? It must be super annoying. Plus, he knows Steve never really understood what he was talking about but Steve had gotten better at just listening regardless. He didn’t feel like he was boring him anymore though, well he did but that was his own insecurities rather than anything Steve was doing, now at least. Steve wasn’t always nice about it at first, calling him names and what not. 

“You’re not boring me.” Steve added, making Eli realize that he took too long to answer.

“Thanks.” He replied simply.

“Do you need to go home then?”

“Oh, no your mom asked me to stay for a couple days, if that’s okay with you.” 

“That sounds good! Where do we normally sleep?”

“Oh, well, we usually share a bed, but I can sleep on the floor if-”

“We can share.” Steve interrupted, smiling.

…

The next day was pretty lazy. And the day after that. They were just talking, eating snacks and watching films. Even though Steve didn’t remember anything, it was like the bond they had was still there. No Creepslaying, Eli made sure of it. Steve seemed to be doing fine but that didn’t mean that he was healed enough to do something that physical. 

And, man, having Steve be so kind to him and without the thick layer of defence from before was not helping his developing crush.

… 

“You sure you’re well enough to go?” Eli asked again.

Steve smiled. “Yes. Besides, it’ll be nice to meet my new, well maybe not new, friends!”

Right. Friends. Something he wasn’t so sure Steve even had at this point. The team had pretty much disowned him because he refused to be a bully, and Eli’s friends didn’t really accept him either. Well, Toby, Jim, and Claire all knew about his amnesia so maybe they’d be willing to start over now. No one, especially Steve’s direct victims, were willing to forgive him. Eli was the only one and it was kind of sad, really. 

It’s not like he blames them, though. Steve has really, really hurt them after all. But his friends? Abandoning him over something so stupid? That was unforgivable. Steve had gone into hiding for days after that, locked up in his room and only communicating through texts. It seemed like an over reaction to Eli, but he would never dare to say that. 

Maybe they were really mean about it? Whatever. 

The bus arrived. Steve usually drove them on his vespa but that probably wasn’t the best idea since he doesn't remember how to drive. Also, Dr. Lake had said no operating machinery.

Seamus was on the bus. He looked up from his phone, making eye contact with Eli, looking over at Steve, and sneered.

…

“Thank you.” Steve said, looking at the door of his first class of the day.

“Sure.” Eli replied. The school had given the two special permission to be late to class and leave class early so Eli could escort Steve to each of his classes. “I’ll meet you here when class ends.”

“Okay!” Steve walked into the classroom.

As Eli headed back to his class, he rounded a corner just to come face to face with Seamus. He jumped.

“Come on, please leave me alone.” Eli said, trying to walk past him.

Semus stepped in front of him. “You’re still friends with him?”

“What? Why is it such a big deal to you?”

“Big deal?” Seamus scoffed. “He’s been lying!”

“Lying about what?”

Seamus’ face changed. “You don’t know.”

“Don’t know what?” Eli snapped.

Seamus smirked. “Why don’t you ask Steve?”

Eli rolled his eyes. “Whatever.”

…

Come lunch, Eli was getting nervous. Obviously Steve would want to meet his other friends, but Jim, Claire, and Toby were never too nice to him. Not that he deserved their kindness, but it did get to him sometimes. And now, he wouldn’t understand why they were mean. 

Oh boy.

They sat down together across from the three friends. 

“Hello! I’m Steve! Well, I guess you knew that, but who are you?”

All three looked shocked. They probably didn’t expect Steve to be this happy. Or friendly. They didn’t know him like Eli did, so he could definitely understand why they were so shocked.

“Well,” Eli began, “This is Claire, Jim, and Toby.” He said, gesturing to each in order.

“Oh! From your stories?”

Eli nodded.

“It’s nice to meet you. Or, well, re meet you.”

“Uh, you too, Steve.” Claire spoke uncomfortably.

That was when Steve’s enthusiasm began to waver.

This was not going well. Eli was trying his best to talk with Steve, but it was very clear that the others were unhappy with his presence. 

Walking to his next class, Steve was almost silent. The atmosphere was thick with emotion. They stopped just outside the room.

“They’re not my friends, are they?”

“Well, um,” Eli stumbled over an explanation.

Steve nodded solemnly. “At least I have you.”

Then he hugged Eli.

Steve was hugging him. 

Oh shit.

Eli hugged back, trying to calm his heart.

He let go. “Thanks.” And walked into the classroom.

Eli was smiling like an idiot.

When he turned around the corner he smacked directly into someone.

“Oh, sorry I didn’t- Jim?” He asked as he looked up at the person he had just rammed into.

“We need to talk to you.” Claire said. Toby was there too.

“We think he’s faking it.” Toby said bluntly.

“What?”

“The amnesia.” Jim clarified. “We think he’s faking it.”

“Why would he do that?”

“I don’t know!” Toby almost shouted. “To mess with us, to undo his past, I don't know but he’s faking it.”

“What makes you think that?”

“Uh, he’s being nice.” Toby shot back.

“What Tobes is trying to say is that we want to warn you.” Jim corrected.

“Yeah. He wasn’t very kind to you before-”

Eli sighed, cutting off Claire. “Look, I get that you don’t want to forgive him but I have.”

“Eli.” Claire spoke calmly. “We’re worried about you.”

“And thank you for that, but you don’t know him like I do. You haven’t taken the time to know him. He’s not faking it.”

“Okay.” Jim said simply. “If you’re sure.”

“I’m sure.”

He wasn’t.


	2. When in Doubt

Steve groaned. “I thought you said I’ve gotten smarter.”

“I said you have to work hard but you can do it.”

Steve slammed his head into the desk. “I’m never going to catch up.”

Eli rolled his eyes. 

“I’m home.” Mrs. Palchuck said as she walked by the open door of Steve’s bedroom. She stopped and looked in. “Steve.” She said sternly.

“What?” He replied confused.

Then they just stared at each other for a solid few seconds before Steve seemed to remember something. “Oh shoot!” And he ran out of the room.

Yeah, something was up.

…

Steve had insisted that he could get to and from class on his own. 

“Besides, I can always call you if I get lost.” Steve had reassured.

It was lunch now, and Eli was scanning the room for Steve. He had spotted Jim and friends but there was no sign of Steve. Oh there he was. Sitting alone? Huh. Eli walked over and sat with him.

“Eli?” Steve seemed surprised. 

“Hello to you too.”

“You should sit with your friends.”

Oh. Oh no. Was he faking it? Is he back on the cover thing now that he knew the others weren’t going to go with his chirrade? No, calm down, you don’t know that. “What?”

“You spend all day with me, Eli. Go spend some time with them. I can eat alone, it’s not a big deal really.”

Oh. Okay good. False alarm. “Come with me.”

Steve scoffed. It was the first time since the accident he had done something even remotely rude. “They don’t like me, Eli. Seriously, thirty minutes alone is not going to kill me.”

“You’re right it wouldn’t.” Eli replied, beginning to eat. 

Steve smiled. 

…

“What do you normally do when I’m at practice?”

“Just hang out. You know, do homework or whatever while I wait.”

“That’s not too boring for you?”

Eli shrugged. “I don’t have anything better to do anyway.”

Steve couldn’t do much yet since the whole injury thing, but he and coach Laurance were spending lots of time going over the rules and strategies to see what Steve did and didn’t remember. 

If he was faking it, he was doing a good job. 

Eli shook the thought from his head. No, Steve wouldn’t do that to him. He won’t lie like this. He’s definitely forgotten. 

…

Unfortunately, since Steve couldn't drive, they were stuck at the school until Lawrence was done with his work for the day. Luckily, they were allowed to stay in the gym since it was, like, two degrees outside.

Eli didn’t want to admit it to himself, but he was starting to look for signs that Steve was faking. Little thing, comments and such.

And he is doing something that, by his squeaky clean standards, was pretty manipulative. He was telling the story of one of their adventures in Creeplaying with one very obviously incorrect detail. Nothing that would affect the outcome of the story, nor matter in the future, but as he blatantly lied to Steve, Steve didn’t react at all. Well, other than the pretty consistent reaction of complete awe in these adventures.

After, they laid on the gym floor with Steve struggling over his math homework.

“Okay now you need to add four to both sides.”

“Okay..” Steve said, scratching that onto the work.

“Good. And now divide both sides by three.”

“Ugh what is even the point of this?”

“To pass the test.” Eli jokes. 

Steve laughed.

…

“How’s your short term memory?”

“My what?” Steve asked.

“She means your memory of like, immediate things. Like what you had for breakfast of something that was just said to you.” Eli clarified.

Today Steve was being checked by Dr. Lake to see how his healing was going. 

“Oh that’s been fine.”

“Any memory recovery?”

“I thought you said I wasn’t going to get my old memories back.”

“Well, technically, you can regain some memory but the chances are slim.”

“No, I don’t remember anything.”

Dr. Lake nodded and made a note on the computer. “Headaches?”

“Just from school.”

Eli snickered.

“And you’re taking all the medicines regularly?”

“Yes.”

“Good.”

…

“Thanks again for coming with me.” Steve said as they waited for their food. Steve had insisted on buying him something as a thank you for ‘always being so kind’. 

“Sure. Besides, I did get out of school for the day.”

“I thought you liked school.”

“I do, but it does get boring.”

“No kidding.”

After a short pause Eli asked “Okay, what is it?”

“Huh?”

Eli could always tell when something was on Steve’s mind. Something was clearly bothering him, and something is definitely bothering him right now. “Something’s on your mind.”

“For you information, there is never anything on my mind.” Steve joked. “But I guess it’s just bothering me that I’ve basically lost two years of my life, you know? It’s just starting to hit me how much I’m really missing.”

That seemed likely. Just as likely as it being that he was feeling and for lying about his memory loss-No! No, Eli would not get lost to those thoughts again.

“Don’t worry, I know that there isn’t much to say back to that. But it does feel good to tell someone.”

“You can tell me anything, Steve.”

Steve smiled. “I know.”

…

Eli and Steve were playing one of their favorite games together. A simple co op open world. “When can we go out Creepslaying again?”

“When Dr. Lake says so.”

Steve groaned. “Come on! Who knows how long that will take?”

“Jim’s got it handled.”

“But I was to! Your stories sound so fun!”

“They are. You’ll see when you are healed.”

Steve groaned.

…

“I don’t think we should.” Eli froze. That was Seamus’ voice. What were they plotting?

“And why not?” Logan shot back.

“I mean, you really want to do that little nerd any favors? And besides, haven’t you seen how attached he is to Steve?”

“It would be better to drag it out.” Logan agreed.

“Exactly.”

Eli just barely ducked out of the way before the two walked by him.

What is happening?


	3. On the Fence

Eli had to go home eventually. As much as he was enjoying spending time with this new, happier Steve he had to go home. He really hated having to ride the bus again. He was waiting at the stop alone, hoping the bus would be not super late.

Steve’s stop was like two or so before his so he should already be there. Hopefully. If he hadn’t decided just to ditch for the day. But new Steve probably wouldn’t do that, not with all the catching up he has to do.

There it is. Finally. Only a few minutes late today. 

He climbed on and scanned the bus. Steve was alone, staring out the window. Eli sat with him. He didn’t move or acknowledge him at all.

“Steve?”

He didn’t reply. He took out his phone and stuffed it back in his pocket.

Eli’s phone dinged with a text that said, “Sorry can’t talk.”

“Okay.” Eli replied verbally. 

Once the bus stopped at the school Steve rushed to get off. He walked quickly, head down. Eli followed, not necessarily trying to hide btu not exactly wanting Steve to notice either.

Steve ducked behind one of the buildings. Eli stood nearby, waiting for Seamus or Logan or someone else to show up. Like he was secretly meeting with someone that was in on the charade of memory loss-

No. Don’t think like that.

A few minutes passed. No one had shown up. Maybe he had missed them? Eli listened closely. Oh. All he heard was faint sniffling.

…

Come lunch Steve definitely seemed better. As much as Eli wanted to pry he knew better. Steve didn’t show his emotions freely before, and probably would have told him more if he wanted to. 

He sat across from him and ate his lunch, trying to think of something to say.

Steve beat him to it. “Why are you my friend?”

“What?”

“No one else is, so why you?”

Eli was stunned. Seve sounded so sincere.

“I’m just dragging you down.”

“Well, I wasn’t exactly popular before.”

“Why not?”

What? Why not? “Because I’m a nerd.”

“So? You’re smart and cute and kind-”

Wait cute?

“And definately have more friends than me.”

“You have the team.”

Steve scoffed. “Do I?”

That’s a good point. Did he? He certainly didn’t have Logan and Seamus anymore but what about everyone else? “Do they not like you?”

“I don’t know.” Steve sighed. “I don’t remember but this kid, shame something I think, made it very clear that they don’t like me. Is that true?”

“I- I don’t know. You didn’t talk about them much.”

Steve nodded. “That’s too bad. Thanks anyway.”

“Because I like being around you. I guess that’s why I’m friends with you.”

Steve chuckled, like it was surprising to him. “Thank you.”

…

A bowl of chips laid on the ground in front of the T.V. The two were laying on the floor, video game controllers in hand.

A co op puzzle game. 

“I don’t remember this at all.”

“You didn’t solve any of these anyway.” Eli giggled.

“No surprise there.”

“This should be a good exercise for you.”

“I get enough of that.”

Eli rolled his eyes. “I mean for your mind.”

“Ugh, when you say it like that I don’t want to play.” Steve groaned. 

“Come on.” Eli laughed. 

As they played, Steve did surprisingly well, by Steve standards, of course. It was pretty well known that people with memory loss can improve on tasks even though they never remembered doing the task, but it wasn’t helping with Eli’s doubts.

He had them play this game specifically for a number of reasons. One, because it really was good for the mind. He didn’t just make that up on the spot. Two, because even though it technically didn’t prove anything, he did want to know if he could catch Steve if he was truly faking it. He was never good at this game, but he did always try even if Eli was the one that ultimately solved the issue. And three, because he and Steve had a lot of fun playing this game. If he really had forgotten everything, maybe this could help reconnect them. 

Though, after that episode at lunch, maybe he and Steve didn’t need to reconnect. It definitely felt like the time before the accident, but maybe that’s because it was. 

It was getting harder to push those thoughts away. And Eli fell back into his habit of questioning everything. For better or for worse. 

He found himself hoping more than doubting, though. Hoping that Steve truly had forgotten everything. What they had going now was nice. Steve wasn’t constantly feeling guilty for his past and they could just be friends. They didn’t have this harsh history anymore. Well, they did technically but Eli found it far easier to forgive Steve than Steve did.

Eli had suggested a journal to Steve. It was something a therapist once told him would help so he thought he’d pass it on. It’s too bad Steve never kept one because that would be very useful right about now. Unless-

“Hey did you ever find a journal?”

“Did you lose one?”

“No, but a little while ago I suggested you keep one.”

“Man that would be convenient. But that doesn't really sound like something I would do.”

Eli chucked. “No, it doesn't. But maybe you can look around. Just in case.”

“I’ll keep an eye out.”

…

That following Monday, Steve had been unusually clingy. Not in a negative way, but pre accident Steve and post accident Steve seemed to agree on one thing- personal space.

But today, for whatever reason, Steve didn’t seem to be bothered by closeness. Like, there wasn’t an entire person worth of space between them at all times. 

And Eli wasn’t complaining, per say, but he was enjoying the attention a little too much. It was getting more and more difficult to accept that they would only ever be friends. 

Man, he wanted more. 

But he couldn’t bring himself to admit that. Who knows how Steve would react?

He always feared pre accident Steve would be angry or even violent about it if he ever found out that Eli was gay. But gay for him? That may have been an even bigger hospital bill.

He didn’t think that Steve would become violent about it now, but he was fairly certain that he would lose the friend he had. That was not worth the risk.

So, he hid his attraction and worked on becoming okay with the closeness.


	4. This Whole Time

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Is Steve faking? Is he not? Place your guess in the comments now because you're about to find out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: Mention of self harm

“Do you have any plans this Saturday?” Steve had asked one day, seemingly out of the blue.

“No, why?”

“Want to see a movie with me?”

What?

Grant it, they hadn’t been friends for long but Steve didn’t seem like the movie going type. Maybe there was a new film out that he wanted to see but didn’t want to go alone?

“Sure. What movie?”

“Quantum Dust, that new Sci Fi movie.”

Okay that was definitely not something Steve wanted to see. “Why?”

“I thought you’d like it.” He shrugged.

“Oh, yeah! I would.” Eli replied cheerfully.

“Okay, good because I already bought the tickets. It’s at three.”

“Sounds great.”

It couldn’t be a date, right? Because Steve could definitely do better than Eli and he’s only ever dated girls, besides if it was a date, shouldn’t they be going at night? 

Yeah. Don’t get your hopes up.

…

His hopes were a little up. He was buttoning up a nicer shirt, as Steve had requested, as he waited for his not date. 

He was aware that the only person he would hurt by hoping was himself but he didn’t really feel like getting his heart broken because he read too much into a simple movie. 

Though, Steve definitely didn’t like Sci Fi-

No! Don’t get your hopes up.

His phone dinged with a simple ‘I’m here’ from Steve. 

He had taken to driving the Vespa again, and it was going well so far.

“It’s not that different from riding a bike.” He had said.

Of course, that didn’t make Eli feel any safer.

Once they had arrived, Eli hopped off the Vespa and stretched. When he opened his eyes again, Steve was running a hand through his hair to fix it. He had dressed slightly nicer too, a white button u shirt and black pants. 

He seemed distracted which was good because Eli was definitely staring. 

This isn’t a date. He reminded himself.

After Steve paid for everything, they sat quietly in the theater.

Eli was holding his breath waiting for Steve to put an arm around him. 

And tried not to be too disappointed when it didn’t happen.

At least the movie was good. 

As they were driving away Eli noticed something. “This isn’t the way home.”

“Oh I was gonna take you to dinner too.” Steve shouted back over the wind. 

Eli’s heart skipped a beat. Man this was getting more and more difficult to not interpret as a date.

The restaurant was nice, well, nice by small town standards, meaning that it had waiters and menus and wasn’t fast food.

Steve paid for that as well.

Riding in the direction of clearly not home, Eli let himself imagine that this wasn’t a platonic thing. It would be amazing to be with someone and do these kinds of things together. It would be amazing. They were close but could definitely be closer and Eli would not mind. 

He imagined them cuddling together, being allowed to call Steve his boyfriend, and finally being capable of fully expressing his emotions. 

They arrived on this absolutely gorgeous cliffside.

Steve parked his Vespa. “Like it?”

“It’s beautiful.”

Steve smiled, then disappeared behind a tree. He came back holding a blanket and a tray of cookies. He laid out the blanket and sat the treats in the center. “Well?” He said, gesturing to the blanket and pulling Eli from his thoughts. 

Which was good because Eli was starting to panic. What was happening?

This was really hard to explain away as platonic. So, he decided not to think about it. There was absolutely no way that Steve would want to date him. Ever. 

Don’t think about it.

He sat down.

Don’t think about it.

He grabbed a cookie and nibbled on it, avoiding Steve’s eyes.

Don’t think about it.

“So,” Steve began, Eli instinctively looking up at him.

Don’t think about it.

Steve sat directly next to him.

Don’t think about it.

“Eli, I, well,”

Don’t think about it.

“I really like you and I’ve been thinking.” Steve fumbled over his words. “What I’m trying to say is, will you be my boyfriend, Eli?”

Oh.

Oh.

Oh. He gets it now.

“You’ve been faking it this whole time, haven’t you?”

“What?” Steve asked, pretending to be surprised.

“This amnesia thing. It’s all been an act, hasn’t it?” Eli stood, almost yelling.

“What? No! Why would you think-”

“Don’t give me that, Steve!” He yelled, cutting him off. “So? Where are they? The people with the cameras?”

“There’s no one-”

“Thought it would be funny to pick on the little fag, huh?”

“Don’t talk like that-”

“It’s not funny! It was never funny!”

“Never-”

“Did you really think I was so stupid as to fall for this? I can’t believe you would do this! I really thought you had changed!”

“Changed?”

“You’re still the same bully, even after all this time! “

Steve didn’t reply anymore, likely finding it worthless to do so.

Eli was crying at this point. “This is low, Steve, even for you.” He aggressively wiped his face, trying to scrub away the emotion. “Not this time. I’m not going to just take this. This is unforgivable. And before you ask, yeah, I’m gay. Go spread the word about how you tricked the little faggot kid! Great job.” He turned and mentally prepared himself for the long walk home. He was not taking a ride from Steve, not after this. 

Steve had the nerve to grab Eli’s wrist. He spun around and wrenched his arm away. “Don’t touch me! You don’t get to touch me. Never again.”

Steve had his hands up, a look of total shock on his face. One so convincing that he even questioned himself for a moment.

Only a moment though.

“Eli, please.” He begged. “I don’t remember -”

“Liar!” Eli snapped. 

“Eli, I- How can I prove…” He trailed off.

Eli was still fuming. 

“I really don’t remember. Again? What do you mean again? Please.” Steve begged. 

Eli’s emotions began to come down.

“Eli, have you told me everything? Look, we don’t have to date. You don’t even have to be my friend after this, but please.” He began to tear up “What did you mean ‘again’?”

Oh.

Oh shit.

“Steve,” Eli began, not quite knowing how to continue.

“Please. What happened? Why would you think I would hurt you like this? Over being gay? Please, what do you mean again?”

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” Steve cut in, “I think I am.”

“We didn’t meet when you found the creeper.” Eli started, unsure of what to do now. “That was when we became friends, well, more or less.”

Eli stopped. He didn’t want to continue. Steve was not faking it. Shit. What had he done?

“What were we before?” Steve prompted.

“You, well, you were - You bullied me.”

Eli stopped again. Hopefully Steve wouldn’t pry this time. 

“What did I do?” He pressed. 

“Lockers. You’d trap me in the lockers.” He swallowed. “You’d get with your friends and bet me.” 

“And?” Steve prompted again.

“Names. Name calling, you know, it seemed so insignificant compared to everything else. You’d threaten me, make me do all your homework, you know, things like that.”

There was a since so thick you could cut it with a knife. 

“Is there more?”

Eli shook his head.

“How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long did I do that to you?”

“Like, a year in a half.”

“How often?”

“It’s not important.”

“Yes, it is. How often?”

“Every time we saw each other.”

“So every day?”

Eli nodded. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“And you’re still friends with me?”

Eli nodded.

“Why?”

“You’ve changed. You’re better now.”

“Am I though?” Steve was constantly fighting back tears.

Eli didn’t reply. He couldn’t.

Steve nodded. “I’m sure you don’t want a ride from me, but please at least call your mom to come get you.”

“But-”

“It’s okay, Eli. You don’t need to answer. Look, I don’t know how to prove that I’m not lying, but I found that journal you were talking about.”

“You kept a journal?”

“Yeah, apparently. You can have it if you’d like all the secrets just don’t seem important anymore.”

Eli said nothing, he didn’t move and hardly dared to breathe. 

“Can I ask you something?”

Eli nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this? About my past?”

“I know that you still feel really, really guilty for it. I didn’t want you to have to live with that knowledge. You never told me that directly, but I could tell.”

Steve nodded. “Can I tell you something? I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to get you to pity me, though.”

Eli nodded.

Steve undid the buttons on his sleeves and rolled them up. “I was wondering why I would do this to myself. Even with everyone not liking me, it didn’t seem like enough. I get it now.”

Scars. Hundreds of them. All up and down his arms. Clearly self inflicted.

“Steve-”

Steve rolled down his sleeves. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll start again. I feel terrible, of course, but I don’t remember. I think I won’t bring myself to do that again.”

There was a pause. “Were you serious? About wanting to date me?”

Steve sighed. “Yes, but it doesn't matter now.” He confessed. “I understand if you don’t want me to contact you ever again.’

“That’s not what I want.” Eli replied quickly.

Steve smiled. “I don’t deserve you.”

“And I, well, I’ve felt the same way about you for quite some time.”

Steve’s shock was clear on his face. “But I-”

“Have changed.” Eli cut in. “You have changed.”

“Because of the accident?”

Eli shook his head. “Even before that.”

“Eli, I don’t want you to feel pressured.” Steve said.

“I don’t.”

“I’ll just be happy if you don’t hate me at this point.”

“Yes, I want to be your boyfriend.”

Steve froze.

Oh no, was he wrong? Is this where the cameras come out?

Steve burst into tears. 

Never mind.

Steve took a step forward, then stopped himself.

So Eli stepped forward, non verbally saying that it was okay. Steve rushed forward and hugged him tightly, crying into his shoulder.

Yeah. He was definitely not faking it.

…

“I don’t deserve you.” Steve said, for what must be the tenth time. 

Eli rolled his eyes and smiled. After the emotional mess they both drudged through, they had a lot to talk about. They were still sitting on the cliff side, just talking. Freely and openly. It was nice.

“Wait, is this why your friends don’t like me?”

Eli nodded. “They’re not ready to forgive you yet. Give them time.”

“Oh,I thought it was because, you know.” Steve shrugged.

“Know what?”

“That I’m…” He trailed off. 

“You’re what?”

A look of sheer panic crossed his face. He began to hyperventilate.

“Woah, woah, what’s happening?”

“I’m so sorry I thought you knew!” He panicked.

“Steve you need to breathe,”

“I’m- I’m-” He tried to force something out.

“Steve, wait until you catch your breath.”

“But you need-”

“Whatever it is it can wait.” Eli reassured.

“No-”

“Steve.” Eli interrupted sternly.

Steve took in deep breaths. 

“Good.” Eli praised. “Okay now, what is it?”

“I’m sorry I never would have asked if I knew, I really thought I had told you, I’m sorry.”

Steve took in one last deep breath before looking Eli straight in the eye.

“I’m transgender.”


	5. New Name?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is going to be shorter than the others because it is the last one before I switch and give Steve's perspective on the whole ordeal.
> 
> TW - Transphobic language

Eli did not see that coming. And, definitely didn’t know how to feel about it. 

He panicked for a moment. What does that mean? That’s the thing where you like, switch genders right?

Shoot he was taking too long to answer. Steve looked about ready to burst into tears again, such genuine fear in his eyes.

“That’s okay.” Eli replied simply.

The relief on Steve’s face was clear. He hugged him, crying into his shoulder.

Eli had his doubts, but he wasn’t going to let Steve know that. Especially not now. He understood that he didn’t know anything about transgender people. He knew it was where men wanted to be women, and that wasn’t something that really bothered him all that much. But now, he wasn’t so sure.

…

The moment Steve had dropped him off at his house he googled it. It was pages and pages of transgender women. It says that it’s someone that didn’t identify with their birth gender.

Okay. So he should ask Steve what he wanted to be called. 

‘What do you want to be called?’ Eli had texted.

‘What?’

‘Like a name. Have you picked one out yet?’

There was a pause. Did he mess up? Shoot, this was clearly a sensitive topic for Steve, maybe he should have just let him-

‘You googled trasngender didn’t you?’

‘...Yes.’

‘Google transgender men.’

Okay. He could do that.

Oh, so people born female could transition to male?

That made him feel better about the situation. So, Steve was still his boyfriend. Okay.

It kinda explained some things. 

Like, Steve was never shirtless around him. Or anyone as far as he could tell. In all honesty, this disappointed Eli but we wouldn’t admit that. 

And grant it he wore baggy clothes to bed but he could have sworn that his chest looks bigger at night and it says in one of the articles that you shouldn’t wear a binder to bed.

At least Steve was being safe about it. 

‘Did that help?’

‘Yeah. Sorry, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.’

‘It’s alright, I’m sure you have questions. I’ll try to answer them but I don’t really like talking about it.’

‘Thank you.’

…

The atmosphere was awkward. Eli wasn’t sure what to do, he didn’t really feel different about Steve, like he was worried he would. But sitting here on the couch with him he couldn’t find it in himself to care too much.

Seve sighed, breaking the silence. “I know you have questions.”

“It’s not by business.”

Steve smiled slightly. “I think it is.”

“I- What are you comfortable with? I don’t want to trigger your dysphoria…”

“I, well, my body doesn't bother me. Not really. It’s more the internal stuff but-” He paused, seeming to look for words. “But I couldn’t handle it if you reacted negatively to me, you know? Because, obviously, I’m pre op and I couldn’t handle you being disgusted by me. So, I want to go more at your pace, you know? When and if you’re ever okay with me.”

“I, um,”

“It’s okay if you’re not comfortable, I know you’re gay-”

“Please don’t talk like that.” Eli interrupted. He had read about this, about the self doubts that trans people have. “I’m gay, and you’re a man. That’s that.”

Steve welled with emotions. “Thank you.”

“Is it okay if I, like,” Eli flumbled with his words.

“How about this, you do whatever you’re comfortable with and I’ll tell you if it’s not okay.”

“Oh, yeah. That works.” He leaned over and snuggled into Steve’s side. “Is this okay?”

Steve wrapped an arm around him and placed a soft kiss on his head. “This is perfect.”


	6. Steve's Perspective

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is the first chapter as seen by Steve. Parts that would be pretty much the same are deleted as to not be redundant, and new parts that Eli was not present for are added. 
> 
> Please, Enjoy!

Man. His head hurt. 

He blinked open his eyes. White walls?

“You’re awake.” A voice spoke. He turned towards her. “How are you feeling?”

“What? Where am I?”

“You’re at the hospital. You were hurt and you may have some memory loss.”

Well that explains how he couldn’t remember how he got here.

“Can you tell me your name?”

“Jessica.”

Dr. Lake looked surprised.

“You don’t have to use your legal name.”

“Oh, uh,”

“I already know.”

Steve looked scared. 

“It’s okay. So can you tell me your name?”

“Steve.” He said, almost to himself. “I’m Steve.”

“Good, so I’m going to ask you some more questions. Is that okay, Steve?”

“Yeah.”

“What school do you go to?”

“Santa Barbara Middle school.”

Dr. Lake froze. “How old are you?”

“Fourteen.”

She wrote something in her notes. “Okay, it looks like you have some pretty severe memory loss…”

…

Wow. Two years. It didn’t feel like it had been two years. Well, he guessed that’s what memory loss is. Dr. Lake said he had friends outside waiting. She was gone now, presumably explaining everything to him. Who could it be?

A small thin boy that looked older, well maybe he was the same age it was hard to know at this point, than him walked in looking nervous. “Hello.” He greeted.

“Hi…” The nervous boy said back.

“Who are you?” When the boy’s face fell, he suddenly realized that Dr. Lake might not have explained the situation to him. She had said something or other about patient confidentiality, so maybe she never said anything to him. “I’m really sorry, Uh, Doctor Lake says I have amnesia. I don’t remember you..”

“Oh, that’s okay. I’m Eli.”

“Good to meet you, Eli.” So was he one of the friends that Dr. Lake mentioned? “And what are you?.” That sounded weird “To me, I mean.”

“A, uh, a friend.” He smiled.

“Oh okay! And how did-”

Suddenly, his mom bursts into the room. “Steve? Is everything okay?”

Steve. She called him Steve. He froze. Did Dr. Lake say something? Oh he was so dead. Just wait until dad finds out. This is bad. This is so bad. How did she know? What is going to happen now? “Who told you?”

The look of sorrow that crossed his mother’s face was unmistakable. “Oh, honey, You did..” She turned to Eli. “Could you give us a minute?”

Eli nodded silently and quickly walked out of the room.

When the new boy left, his mom shut the door. “You’ve forgotten that much, huh?”

Steve nodded. 

“You told me almost two years ago now. You were so, so scared. You waited until dad was on one of his trips and told me. I wasn’t sure how to feel, but I knew that I had failed as a parent to make you think that I would do something to you over something like this.”

“And dad?”

His mom sighed. “We left, Steve. We moved across the state two days later. You didn’t want him to know, and the divorce has almost gone through.” She looked up, her son’s eyes tearing up. “It’s over, Steve. You haven’t seen him in years. You’ll never have to see him again. It’s over.”

This was all too good to be true. But if there was one thing that Steve was good at, it was not overthinking things. His mom came over and hugged him. 

“Who else knows?” 

His mom sighed. “I’m not sure, Steve. You went to this new high school as Steven. We even changed all your documents.”

“You really did all that, for me?”

She nodded. “I love you, Steve. I just want you to be happy.”

“I love you too, mom.”

…

Once he was home, he was excited to check out his new house. His new room, well, not new per say, but new to him. 

That boy from earlier had come with him. That was nice, his mother had explained that this Eli was his closest friend from what she could tell and was hoping that he could help fill in the gaps of his memory. 

Obviously, the first thing that he asked was how they met. He was expecting something like ‘school’ or maybe even a club. He was certainly not expecting a tale about magical creatures.

…

After the tale of magical whatevers, Steve had asked about Eli personally. And once that story was done, he only had one question:

“So, we’re friends?” After hearing all they did together, they seemed close. And after hearing about his ‘friend’ he was definitely his type. Which would make him gay but, that’s okay right? Or well, bi, but that's okay too right? His dad isn’t around anymore, and his mom seemed to love him, so.. But he had never really had a boyfriend, that he remembered at least. 

The passion that Eli had felt about these creatures was charming. It was adorable, and he could gladly watch this cute little nerd rant for hours. And man, for him to have figured all this stuff out on his own was impressive. Being a total moron, he found it amazing that Eli could put all these things together like this.

And it was clear they spent much time together. But, his mom would have said ‘boyfriend’ right? Maybe she didn’t know?

By the time Steve pulled himself out of his own mind he was that Eli clearly looked stressed. Wait, had he said “Friends” He meant to say “Just Friends” Shoot!

“Sorry that sounded weird, it’s just that, well,” If they were a couple, Eli probably would have picked up on the meaning and clarified their relationship, he seemed smart. There had to be a reason that past Steve didn’t ask him out. Now he had to come up with some excuse… “You know what, never mind I’m being stupid. Though, I’m sure you’re used to that by now.” He joked.

“Oh, uh,” Eli was clearly trying to hide his emotions “You’re not stupid, Steve.”

Steve smiled. It was probably just best to move the conversation along. “I may not remember much but I’m sure I didn’t grow a brain in the past two years.”

“Well, you’ve gotten mostly B’s since I’ve been helping you study.”

“Really?” Steve didn’t think he was capable of anything above a C.

“Yeah, you’re really not that stupid. You just need to work a little harder than most.”

“That’s awesome! Do you think you can help me catch up? I really would rather not have a tutor.”

“Of course!”

“Thank you.” Steve smiled before yawing.

Eli glanced at the clock. “Oh I guess we lost track of time.”

“Does that happen a lot?”

“Well, I usually don’t talk so much.”

“Why not?” Did Steve make him feel like he couldn’t talk about the things he loved, or was that just his own personal insecurities. So he added, “You’re not boring me.” 

“Thanks.”

“Do you need to go home then?”

“Oh, no your mom asked me to stay for a couple days, if that’s okay with you.”

“That sounds good!” It sounded better than good. Amazing even. He really wanted to spend more time with this cute little geek. “Where do we normally sleep?”

“Oh, well, we usually share a bed, but I can sleep on the floor if-”

“We can share.” Steve interrupted, probably sounding far more excited than he should.

…

Steve was getting pretty excited to go to school. He was able to go under his real name, as his real self. And besides, he probably had even more friends to meet!

Eli’s concern for his health was adorable. He had asked several times if he was good enough to go, and he tried to be reassuring that he was, in fact, just fine.

Better than fine even. No more dad. No more abuse. And he got to transition! 

He spent far too long at one point just staring at himself in the mirror, admiring his short hair and more masculine looking face. His voice was far deeper too and it was incredible. He was so happy. Today was going to be great!

But then lunch came around and hit him like a truck. Eli had introduced him to three of their friends, but they didn’t seem to like him much. 

They probably knew about him. Knew he was trans and just didn’t accept it. He had read the other discrimination stories from the other people in his support groups but he had yet to experience it first hand, at least that he remembered.

And man, it hurt.

It was nice to know that Eli knew at least. There is no way he’d tell the other three and not Eli. Or they wouldn’t pass the knowledge on.

Didn’t make their blatant hate any less painful. At least he had Eli. That was all that mattered.


	7. Liar

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Chapter 2 and 3 from Steve's perspective!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW - Transphobia

They were studying. Well, more like Eli was doing his best to explain things and Steve was trying really, really hard to understand.

“I’m home.” His mom shouted as she walked by the door to his room. She stopped and looked at him. “Steve.” She said sternly.

“What?”

She looked at him , glanced down, and looked back up at his face. 

What? “Oh, shoot!” He was still wearing his binder. There were strict rules about these things, not too small or you’ll suffocate or get a respiratory infection or worst of all, permanent tissue damage that will prevent you from getting top surgery in the future.

He dashed into the bathroom to remove it.Good thing his mom caught him. He’d need to work on remembering that.

…

Steve thought it best to let Eli sit with his friends today. They clearly did not like him, and Eli spent so much time with him as it was.

Eli chose to sit with him anyway.

Man, Steve was lucky to have him.

…

“Mom?” 

“Yes, Steve?” She replied pausing her reading.

“Do I have friends? Other than Eli?”

She placed a strip of paper in the book and sat it down. “Well, you had these two friends. You were really close to them.”

“What happened?”

“I don’t really know for sure, but you told me that you were going to tell them. Then you didn’t leave your room for three days and I never saw them again.”

“Oh.”

“They’re not worth your time, Steve. You’ll find people that will accept and love you.”

“Like Eli?”

“Like Eli.”

…

(This part is from chapter 3)

Steve was waiting for the bus.

It was lonely not having Eli around. He really enjoyed his company, but it was probably for the best. The more time they spent together, the more Steve found that he really enjoyed his company. Like romantically. 

There had to be a reason they weren’t together, though. He’d been paying close attention, trying to see if Eli was gay or not. It was hard to tell, but he probably knew that Steve was bi since he had clearly been told that he was transgender. There was no way that he would tell such a significant thing and just leave out the smaller-by-comparison thing. 

So did Eli already tell him? Was he not comfortable telling people yet? It was hard to tell. But if Eli could respect him not wanting to talk about his identity so Steve could respect him in return.

Once the bus arrived, Steve climbed on and took a seat. He sat there, bored, waiting until they got to Eli’s stop.

Someone came over and sat with him.

“Did you really forget everything?”

“Yes. Do I know you?” Steve replied simply.

“I’m Seamus.”

“Hello.”

“Do you remember me at all?”

Steve shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“Well, I remember you.” He smirked.

“Okay…”

“And I remember what you told me.”

“What I told you?”

“That you’re really a girl.”

Steve’s heart stopped. Oh no. “I’m not!”

“And I don’t think that your new friend would be too happy to know that you’ve been lying to him.”

“I am not lying to anyone.”

“Right.” Seamus rolled his eyes. “So, what’s your endgame with this little charade? You never did tell me that.”

“There isn’t one!” Steve defended.

“Is it just fun for you? Knowing that you got all these suckers to believe you?”

“No!”

“You’ll be found out, eventually. Don’t worry. I’m not going to tell anyone about you, girl.”

“Please don’t call me that.”

“Besides, then I would look like the bad guy. You’ll be discovered all on your own as the lying, manipulative girl that you are.”

“I am not lying.” Steve’s voice was small. It was hard to fight back the tears. His binder was suddenly too tight. He could feel his chest acutely. His packer felt out of place. He felt that he was falling apart. 

“I’d better get going. That little fag you’ve been leading on is at this next stop.”

Once the bus finally, finally got to the school Steve all but ran to the most secluded place he could think of and broke down sobbing.

…

Later in the week, Eli had insisted on playing this puzzle game. It was fun and Steve was surprising himself by not being totally hopeless. Suddenly, in the middle of playing, Eli asked an odd question.

“Hey did you ever find a journal?”

“Did you lose one?”

“No, but a little while ago I suggested you keep one.”

“Man that would be convenient. But that doesn't really sound like something I would do.”

Eli chucked. “No, it doesn't. But maybe you can look around. Just in case.”

“I’ll keep an eye out.”

As soon as Eli left, he scoured his room. He flipped through notebooks trying to see if any of them had anything to do with emotions or stream of consciousness. 

He found it.

He read it. 

Everything was so much clearer now.

He hadn’t ever asked Eli out because he was too scared. 

There was hope. 

He found himself being less physically distant as he tried to gather the courage to ask him on a date.


	8. Again?

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The moment you've all been waiting for - Steve's perspective on Eli's freak out.

Today was the day. He bought tickets to that new Sci-Fi movie, seeing as that would be something Eli would like.

Steve asked, and Eli agreed but he had not made it clear that he intended this to be a date. This was partially because he wasn’t sure if Eli wanted to date him, but mostly because the fear of rejection. Hopefully after the day was over, Eli would be his boyfriend, but there was a chance that he wouldn’t feel the same. A strong chance. He really wanted them to at least remain friends. 

The date(?) was going well. They were on their way to the last part, the little picnic he had set up. 

Eli had given no indication that he was uncomfortable, which was good, but had also not given any indication that he read this as a date, which was less good.

Steve took a few moments to breathe as he retrieved the blanket and desert.

This was going to be okay. Eli would just politely refuse. Okay. This was going to be fine. 

He laid out the blanket and sat with Eli.

This was it. They sat together, Eli nibbling on a cookie.

“Eli, I, well, I really like you and I’ve been thinking.” Steve fumbled over his words. “What I’m trying to say is, will you be my boyfriend, Eli?”

Eli’s face changed. But, not in a positive way. Steve was expecting a sad look, or maybe a disgusted one, but Eli looked angry.

“You’ve been faking it this whole time, haven’t you?”

“What?” Faking it? Faking what? Eli was getting more and more angry.

“This amnesia thing. It’s all been an act, hasn’t it?” Eli stood, almost yelling.

“What? No!” How could Eli think that? Why would Eli think that? He wasn’t faking it! And, more importantly, what does that have to do with him asking Eli out?

“Don’t give me that, Steve!” Eli yelled. “So? Where are they? The people with the cameras?”

People with cameras? What, like some cruel joke? Steve would never! “There’s no one-”

“Thought it would be funny to pick on the little fag, huh?”

“Don’t talk like that-”

“It’s not funny! It was never funny!”

Never funny? What does he mean ‘never’? Did this happen before? The journal didn’t mention that!

“Did you really think I was so stupid as to fall for this? I can’t believe you would do this! I really thought you had changed!”

“Changed?” Changed from what? Changed how? What is he missing?

“You’re still the same bully, even after all this time! “

Bully. That word hit Steve like an arrow to the heart. Bully. Was he a bully before? He had promised himself that he would never become his father. Did he? Who did he bully? How? Did he hit anyone? Man, he hopes that he never hit anyone. 

Eli was crying at this point. “This is low, Steve, even for you. Not this time. I’m not going to just take this. This is unforgivable. And before you ask, yeah, I’m gay. Go spread the word about how you tricked the little faggot kid! Great job.” 

Eli was leaving. No! He couldn’t let Eli leave, not like this. Not angry and crying. He didn’t want Eli to feel this way. He was somewhat expecting a rejection, but not like this. What had he done in the past?

Steve grabbed his wrist.

Eli spun around and wrenched his arm away. Steve immediately held his hands up in surrender, trying to seem not threatening. “Don’t touch me! You don’t get to touch me. Never again.”

Again? Had he hit Eli?

No.

No, no, no no.

Please. Not that. He couldn’t handle knowing that he had ever hit anyone as kind hearted and genuine as Eli. “Eli, please.” He begged. “I don’t remember -”

“Liar!” Eli snapped.

“Eli, I- How can I prove…” He trailed off.

Eli was still fuming.

“I really don’t remember.” He swallowed. As much as he dreaded the answer, he had to know. “Again? What do you mean again? Please.” Steve begged.

Eli appeared to calm. Was he realizing that Steve really didn’t remember? He hoped so. How can you prove something like that?

“Eli, have you told me everything? Look, we don’t have to date. You don’t even have to be my friend after this, but please.” He was finding it harder and harder to fight back the tears. “What did you mean ‘again’?”

“Steve,” Eli began, clearly not angry anymore. Good. He believed Steve. 

“Please. What happened? Why would you think I would hurt you like this? Over being gay? Please, what do you mean again?” He had to know. What had he done?

“I’m sorry.”

“No,” Steve stopped him before he could apologize, “I think I am.”

“We didn’t meet when you found the creeper.” Eli started, looking nervous. Did he think that Steve would snap at him? Gosh, he hoped not. “That was when we became friends, well, more or less.”

Eli stopped. No. Steve had to know. “What were we before?” Steve prompted.

“You, well, you were - You bullied me.”

No. No, no, no, please. Not Eli. Eli didn’t deserve to be treated like anything other than the perfect, kind hearted human being that he was. “What did I do?” He pressed. He had to know, even if he didn’t want to.

“Lockers. You’d trap me in the lockers.” Eli confessed. “You’d get with your friends and beat me.”

“And?” Steve prompted again. Eli didn’t seem to want to talk about it, but this was too important. Steve had to know. He had to know what a monster that he was.

“Names. Name calling, you know, it seemed so insignificant compared to everything else. You’d threaten me, make me do all your homework, you know, things like that.”

There was a since so thick you could cut it with a knife. Steve swallowed and spoke again. “Is there more?”

Eli shook his head.

“How long?”

“How long what?”

“How long did I do that to you?” How could Eli stand to be around him, let alone be his friend? Man, this must be why he never asked.

“Like, a year in a half.”

“How often?”

“It’s not important.”

Not important? It was very, very important. “Yes, it is. How often?”

“Every time we saw each other.”

“So every day?”

Eli nodded. “Yeah, pretty much.”

“And you’re still friends with me?”

Eli nodded.

“Why?”

“You’ve changed. You’re better now.”

“Am I though?” Steve didn’t think so. Especially if Eli could possibly think that he would set this up as some type of sick prank.

Eli didn’t reply. He must not have been better.

Steve inwardly abandoned all notion of remaining friends, but he still cared. “I’m sure you don’t want a ride from me, but please at least call your mom to come get you.”

“But-”

“It’s okay, Eli. You don’t need to answer. Look, I don’t know how to prove that I’m not lying, but I found that journal you were talking about.”

“You kept a journal?”

“Yeah, apparently. You can have it if you’d like. All the secrets just don’t seem important anymore.” Steve knew it was foolish, but the journal was very sweet. Maybe it could salvage their friendship. Or at least make Eli not hate him. “Can I ask you something?”

Eli nodded.

“Why didn’t you tell me about this? About my past?”

“I know that you still feel really, really guilty for it. I didn’t want you to have to live with that knowledge. You never told me that directly, but I could tell.”

Steve nodded. He wanted to share his scars with Eli, but didn’t want him to see that as Steve trying to change his mind, even if deep down he knew that was what he was doing. “Can I tell you something? I don’t want you to feel like I’m trying to get you to pity me, though.”

Eli nodded.

Steve undid the buttons on his sleeves and rolled them up. “I was wondering why I would do this to myself. Even with everyone not liking me, it didn’t seem like enough. I get it now.” At least that secret was gone. No more secrets between them. Even if they were never friends again.

“Steve-”

Steve rolled down his sleeves. “For what it’s worth, I don’t think I’ll start again. I feel terrible, of course, but I don’t remember. I think I won’t bring myself to do that again.”

There was a pause. “Were you serious? About wanting to date me?”

Was that it? Was that hope that they could at least stay friends? But he didn’t want to pressure Eli into anything he didn’t want to do. “Yes, but it doesn't matter now. I understand if you don’t want me to contact you ever again.”

“That’s not what I want.” Eli replied quickly.

Steve smiled. He’d be so happy if they could stay friends. “I don’t deserve you.”

“And I, well, I’ve felt the same way about you for quite some time.”

Steve was shocked. After all he did? Eli could find that in his heart? “But I-”

“Have changed.” Eli cut in. “You have changed.”

Oh. “Because of the accident?”

Eli shook his head. “Even before that.”

Wait, really? He had felt this way before the amnesia? “Eli, I don’t want you to feel pressured.” 

“I don’t.”

“I’ll just be happy if you don’t hate me at this point.”

“Yes, I want to be your boyfriend.”

Steve froze. Seriously? How? He was so lucky! He couldn’t stop the tears. He took a step forward, then stopped himself. No, Eli made it clear he wasn’t comfortable being touched. Steve would respect that.

But then Eli stepped forward, non verbally saying that it was okay. Steve hugged him, crying into his shoulder.

…

“I don’t deserve you.” Steve repeated. It was true. Eli was so smart and sweet and cute and perfect. He would have been surprised that Eli wanted to date him even without the knowledge of their past.

They had been chatting for awhile when Steve remembered something. “Wait, is this why your friends don’t like me?”

Eli nodded. “They’re not ready to forgive you yet. Give them time.”

“Oh,I thought it was because, you know.” Steve said, still uncomfortable saying out loud that he’s trans.

“Know what?”

“That I’m…” He trailed off. Come on, Eli was smart. Hopefully he’d get it without Steve having to say it out loud.

“You’re what?”

Oh, oh shit. He didn’t know? But they were dating now! Eli definitely had to know, but how would he react? He must have been visibly panicked because Eli began to panic as well.

“Woah, woah, what’s happening?”

“I’m so sorry I thought you knew!” He couldn’t handle Eli breaking up with him so soon because of this! He couldn’t handle the dysphoria that would cause him.

“Steve you need to breathe,”

“I’m- I’m-” He tried to explain. Get it over with.

“Steve, wait until you catch your breath.”

“But you need-” 

“Whatever it is it can wait.” Eli interrupted.

“No-”

“Steve.” Eli interrupted sternly.

Fine. Steve took in deep breaths. Okay. Get ready. Hopefully he’d at least be nice about it.

“Good.” Eli praised. “Okay now, what is it?”

“I’m sorry I never would have asked if I knew, I really thought I had told you, I’m sorry.”

Steve took in one last deep breath before looking Eli straight in the eye.

“I’m transgender.”


	9. Opening up the Conversation

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This will be the last chapter for this fic. Perhaps there will be a sequel.......?
> 
> And a special thanks to AlexZam for all the lovely comments!

Steve held his breath. This was it. It was horrifying. He never thought he’d be in this situation. He always thought he would tell people that before they got this close. 

“That’s okay.” Eli replied simply.

Steve let out the breath. Okay. Good. This could work, maybe.

…

Steve dropped him off at his house. He went home, and sat in his room. 

Eli had taken it well. That was good. Hopefully it was because he was genuinely okay with it and not just because he was the kindest person to ever exist.

His phone dinged with a text from Eli. ‘What do you want to be called?’

‘What?’ He replied. He liked to be called Steve. What kind of question is that? Did he mean pronouns?

‘Like a name. Have you picked one out yet?’

Steve started laughing. He got what he meant now. He managed to type out a reply through his tears of laughter. ‘You googled trasngender didn’t you?’

‘...Yes.’

‘Google transgender men.’

There was a pause. That was sweet, and such an Eli thing to do. Research when he didn’t understand something. It was cute, really. He wanted to understand and clearly didn’t. He decided to follow up. ‘Did that help?’

‘Yeah. Sorry, I don’t mean to make you uncomfortable.’

That question didn’t. But Eli would definitely have questions that did make him uncomfortable, and if he ever wanted to be intimate with him, and he most certainly wanted that, he would have to ask eventually. ‘It’s alright, I’m sure you have questions. I’ll try to answer them but I don’t really like talking about it.’

‘Thank you.’

…

The atmosphere was awkward. Eli had questions. Obviously. But being the sweetie pie that he was, he wasn’t going to just outright ask. So, Steve had to prompt him. “I know you have questions.”

“It’s not by business.”

Steve smiled slightly. “I think it is.”

“I- What are you comfortable with? I don’t want to trigger your dysphoria…”

Oh. That was actually very sweet. And innocent. Steve was waiting for the infamous, ‘what’s in your pants’ question when he was a minor and not physically developed to a place that successful surgery was a possibility so, like, obviously he was pre op. Besides, it wasn’t mandatory like so many cis people assumed so he would have explained that as well.

But this question was perfect. Eli was concerned about his comfort. That was sweet. “I, well, my body doesn't bother me. Not really. It’s more the internal stuff but-” He paused, wondering how to explain it. Personally, he knew he wanted to get all available surgeries, but clearly hadn’t gotten any yet. “But I couldn’t handle it if you reacted negatively to me, you know? Because, obviously, I’m pre op and I couldn’t handle you being disgusted by me. So, I want to go more at your pace, you know? When and if you’re ever okay with me.”

“I, um,”

“It’s okay if you’re not comfortable, I know you’re gay-”

“Please don’t talk like that.” Eli interrupted. “I’m gay, and you’re a man. That’s that.”

That was the moment that Steve realized that Eli wasn’t upset about it. That it didn’t change anything. “Thank you.”

“Is it okay if I, like,” Eli fumbled with his words.

“How about this,” He had a pre rehearsed response. He thought that Eli would be less comfortable with all sorts of things, and more importantly, he needed Eli to be okay with his body the way it was now so if he lead, Eli might… React negatively. He couldn’t handle that. So best to let Eli lead. “You do whatever you’re comfortable with and I’ll tell you if it’s not okay.”

“Oh, yeah. That works.” He leaned over and snuggled into Steve’s side. “Is this okay?”

Steve wrapped an arm around him and placed a soft kiss on his head. “This is perfect.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You may have noticed that this fic is part of a series now! Even though I feel like this specific fic has reached a satisfying conclusion, I think there is more story to tell. So please check out "New Memories"! Thank you for reading!


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